The Follicles Are Falling

Let’s all take a minute today to offer our heart-felt support to people with humidity damaged hair.

OK, I’m going to get in trouble (again) for being sexist and offensive (again), but I’m obviously talking about women here. I’m not bashing women. I admire women. Unlike men, your average woman’s instincts do not flash "smash and kill" five times a day for no apparent reason. I really, really admire that. I think it has to do with women’s relative lack of testosterone, which they can be very thankful for, trust me.

But to return to the point (and I do have one) is that some women — and you know I hate to generalize — seem to have a fixation on their hair. And we all know what humidity does to hair. Flat as a pancake. Not a problem for most men, but disaster for many women.

It’s a cultural thing, I guess. Hair just has a huge impact on an American woman’s self image.

Take, for example, my sister-in-law. We’ll call her "Mindy" (mainly because that’s her name.) She came home from the hair stylist professional last month, sprinted into the bathroom and started shrieking. It disconcerted Mindy’s squeeze, Patrick the Computer Network King of Omaha, to have his significant other violently weeping in his tasteful bathroom. That’s a signal of sadness that, 8 times out of 10, not even a male is going to miss (unless, of course, it’s third and long).

Besides that, this posed a real threat to Patrick’s plans to watch the game on TV later. That’s the kind of raw male sensitivity that runs through our extended family. But, we’re above average.

Now Patrick told me that, based on the way Mindy carried on, he figured either someone was shot where Mindy works, she ran over a cat on the way home (she likes cats), or she missed the kickoff of opening day of college football season. He ruled out the last one because that would make Mindy a male, which she is not. Besides, just thinking of the possibility made Patrick a bit misty.

So he asked Mindy, in a I’m-here-for-you-babe kind of way.

Patrick: "Ah, what’s wrong?"
Mindy: "THEY BUTCHED ME!"

We males do not get this at all. Our idea of hair style is something that takes no more than eight minutes to convert from sopping wet to ready-to-go. Low maintenance is our whole bag. Sure, in the ’70s some of us went a bit crazy, actually used a blow dryer, did some "feathering" and some Night-Fever-like coiffing, but the ’90s are the decade of the shaved male head. I’d go for the shaved look if only for the no-maintenance benefit if my head didn’t resemble a misshapen basketball. You’ve got to consider the co-workers. It would be hard for them to create stunning ads while writhing on the floor with laughter.

The Mindy situation made even less sense to Patrick and me since Mindy’s new ’do looks very stylish and attractive. We dig it in a major way. It makes us want to go out and hunt and kill something for her. We think she looks like the sophisticated, today, kick-business-booty kind of woman. In fact, (glance side to side here), I like the new ’do better than the old ’do. Dig? But, despite testimonials from everyone she knows and five Supreme Court Justices that her hair is — please join me — striking, Mindy insists she hates it.

This whole hair deal has to be tough on a woman. Try this at home. Grab a camera, point it at your female loved one. I bet she says some version of, "Don’t take my picture, my hair looks horrible!"

So, not only do women have to live around men (no easy feat) they live with intense pressure on the way their hair looks. My friends Paige and Jennifer once spent an entire lunch talking about possible new styles. They even had magazines out, looking for the right cut. "Wow, what about world hunger? How about that health care reform?" I interjected. They didn’t even hear me. I just (for once) gave thanks for testosterone and ate my curry chicken while they talked about razor cuts.

Humidity is the natural enemy of female hair. You know that the hair which everyone labors so hard to get to be full and poofy in the morning will be smashed flat the humidity even before they walk into work. Not a problem for men since it just means the stubble will be a bit bent when we come in. Disaster for women.

Hey, don’t look at me. I like short, flat hair on women. It’s not their fault. It’s a cultural thing. But they need our support. They need us to be there and say "Wow, the hair. Stunning." Maybe this is a good chance for we men to get with our significant others and try to share feelings about hair.

If you try to walk down this dangerous road of hair discussion with your female friends and loved ones, just watch out for the blow dryer. Speaking as someone with a huge forehead target, those things really smart if she catches you between the eyes.

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